Behavior Is Communication: How Parents Can Help Schools Uncover the "Why" Behind Challenges
After that surprise call or email from school and you’ve calmed down from the verge of panic, what comes next?
Do you plot consequences or do you ask questions? How could you see things differently if you take a few minutes (and some deep breaths) and ask questions about what was really happening.
I’ll let you in on a secret. Your child’s behavior is just the tip of an iceberg. The behavior is actually telling you something, but it might not be about what you see. If we focus less on the actual behavior - whether that’s a meltdown, forgotten homework, or not being able to sit still - and more on the WHY of it, then we can unlock the key to what’s really happening. And as parents, we play a crucial role in helping schools crack that code.
Why Behavior Matters
Behavior is more than just a discipline issue - it's a window into our child's inner world. When our kids act out, are disruptive, or can’t regulate their emotions, it's often because they're struggling or don’t have the skills to manage feelings or an overwhelming situation. It’s a shift in how we think about behavior for sure. But if we can dig into what lies below the surface, what’s under the water of that iceberg, it allows us to get to the root of the challenge instead of putting a bandaid on the behavior itself.
It’s a big change of perspective not only at home for parents, but also at schools. Parents can be really helpful in helping schools understand the underlying issues driving our child's behavior.
Some strategies to try in uncovering the meaning of the behavior:
1.Lead with Curiosity
When you get that call (or email) from the school about your child's behavior, try not to jump to conclusions or get defensive. It’s easy to lead with frustration or get angry with your child. Instead, stay curious and ask questions. What happened leading up to the incident? How did the teacher respond? Has this happened before? What strategies have they tried so far?
Asking questions opens conversations. Being defensive shuts down efforts to get to the root of the problem. If you need some time to take a few breaths and gather your thoughts before asking questions, that’s OK too.
2. Collaborate with Teachers
Building a strong relationship with your child’s teacher is my #1 tip for long-term support that makes a difference for your child. Parents aren’t in the classroom, but teachers have first hand knowledge of what’s happened. By building a strong relationship with your child's teacher, you can work together to identify patterns and triggers. Is it a particular time of day? Is it a particular activity or subject of study? Are there certain peers they struggle working with?
In working WITH teachers, you also get the chance to share what you know about your child - their strengths, their interests, what’s worked well at home and with past teachers, and what you know about their needs.
3. Look Beyond the Behavior
When our kids misbehave, have trouble at home or school, or just aren’t able to succeed,, it's easy to focus on the symptoms rather than the cause. But by looking beyond the behavior, we can begin to understand what's driving it. Instead of focusing solely on the latest incident (no matter how frustrating!), try taking a broader view. If the behavior is the tip of the iceberg, try to imagine what might be underneath that water line. Is your child struggling with anxiety or stress that causes dysregulation? Is it a sensory issue with noise in the cafeteria? Are they having trouble making friends or feeling included at recess or in small groups? Are they not understanding instructions or what’s expected of them when they get distracted in class? Is there a learning challenge hiding underneath those low scores?
4. Develop an Action Plan
Once you have a sense of the underlying issues driving your child's behavior, you can work with teachers to develop an action plan. This doesn’t have to be a formal or super detailed plan. It can start as a simple strategy to try. Give it a little time and evaluate whether it’s helping or not. Then on to another strategy if needed. One step at a time.
If you need help digging into the WHY of the behavior, coming up with a strategy, or working with teachers on action plans, one-on-one individualized coaching can help. Get in touch with me and let’s work together to help you and your child’s school understand behavior challenges!
To learn what to ask your child’s teacher when you think they need help at school, check out my blog post, “5 Questions To Ask For Help At School”
