What do you do when your kid forgets their homework? A perfect Reframe moment.
I had a first-rate Reframe moment this week - courtesy of my wise teen.
I wasn’t even out of the high school parking lot when my 16 year old called me. “You won’t think this is very important, but it is,” he said sheepishly. “I forgot something at home. Can you bring it to me?” I had a choice at that moment.
I could say no - I just dropped him off and he could make due without whatever it is. I had a little voice in my head say – this is his consequence to be without it.
But I opted for curiosity instead, “What is it?”
“My earbuds.” My first thought - no way, I’m not turning around to go home and pick up your earbuds only to drive back to school! My second thoughts were more nuanced - it’s finals week, he has executive function challenges, and he does best when he can listen to music while working. Did I need to say no just to “teach him a lesson” or enforce some arbitrary rule? No. I chose to say YES to my child instead.
Why would I agree to bring him his missing earbuds you ask?
A whole bunch of reasons it turns out:
He asked for what he needed! How many times have I not asked for what I needed - even when it would help me, or be what I needed, or make me feel heard and appreciated? Too many to count honestly. I want my kids to feel like their needs and wants are taken into consideration so they become adults who recognize their own needs. Not to a crazy, selfish degree of course, but we all deserve to have our wants and needs honored.
It’s scaffolding. What exactly is scaffolding for kids? Not the construction platform kind, but the kind that helps them learn to do things on their own. I provided him an opportunity to recognize what he’d forgotten and ask for help. Next time (or more honestly, maybe the 10th time after this) he may be able to remember before he leaves the house! We’re working towards that goal, but it’s a process for sure and kindness and support go a long way.
I had the time and could make it happen. On another day, with different circumstances, I may have had to say no. But this day, I could say yes. Being able to do something kind and supportive for my child felt really good.
Let’s stop shaming kids - and parents. Kids get shamed for forgetting. Parents get shamed for “indulging” them and “bailing them out”.
I don’t buy either the indulging or bailing out theories. Does every left behind piece of homework or lunchbox or earbud have to be a lesson on responsibility? I don’t think so. We’re all human and we all forget things (some way more than others - read more about executive function here!).
Grown ups forget things too. Next time you forget your lunch or some important work papers, will you call your partner or friend to ask if they could help you out and bring it to you? I hope so! I hope you can ask for what you need and know that someone will honor you by helping when they can.
This is a perfect opportunity to Reframe.
My son hinted at it when he called me - “You won’t think this is very important, but it is.” It was important to him. I could tell too when I pulled up in front of the school after 1st period. He’d just taken his English final and was pleased with his solid performance. With a quick thank you and a fist bump, he was off to face more finals week stress, now with the help of his trusty earbuds to help him concentrate.
The Reframe here is both simple and difficult all at the same time!
Asking for help goes from dependence and irresponsibility to self-advocacy and opportunity to support one another.
That sounds pretty important to me and takes a lot of pressure off kids and parents.
When have you been able to say yes or reframe for yourself or your child? Drop me an email and tell me your story.
For even more practicing reframing, check out the Parent Discovery Guide. It’s got my top 4 reframes and some activities to dig even deeper.
PS - special thanks to Aisha Crumbine whose email newsletter story and thoughtful response to bringing her daughter a sandwich hit my inbox the same day the earbud delivery happened! Her account inspired me to write about mine. Don’t you love it when this kind of kismet happens?
