Why does my child lie? 6 strategies to deal with lying.
Fibbing, telling tall tales, smokescreens, capping (my kids would roll their eyes if they saw me using this one!). Geez, there are a lot of ways to talk about lying.
Whatever you wanna call it, dealing with lying is frustrating for parents!
To show my solidarity on this vexing issue, here are some recent examples from my house:
Exhibit A: Kid comes home from school, drops backpack by the front door and proceeds to look for snacks. (Priorities, obvy!) I ask “Do you have any homework to do tonight?” Kid: “No - I’m totally caught up”. Me again - “Are you sure? Teacher so-and-so sent an email saying that essay is due on Monday.” In between handfuls of goldfish, kid mumbles, “I finished it in class,” and heads off to play video games.
Exhibit B: After I’ve just spent hours on the never-ending merry-go-round of laundry, I ask the tween if he’s put away his clean clothes. “Yea, I put them all away.” he insists. I have my suspicions so I go upstairs for visual verification. Upon inspection, clothes are not actually put away. I am not surprised. They are still in the basket or even worse, strewn across the floor after digging in the basket to find the favored hoodie.
(I’ve given you some pretty pedestrian examples, but trust me - we’ve dealt with big-deal lies too.)
So I get it. The lying stinks. Your reaction to it, thought, doesn’t have to be defcon level yelling and frustration. Let’s start by looking at the WHY behind the lying - ‘cause there’s always something underlying a behavior.
Why might your child be lying to you?
Lying can be developmentally appropriate and normal. For young children, it can be wishful thinking - like if I don’t admit it, then it didn’t happen. Or it can be they are learning about the changeable nature of beliefs.
Maybe it’s only a half-lie or there’s a shred of truth in there somewhere. So it feels almost true and that may feel close enough.
They didn’t understand the directions, know how to do the thing, or need assistance. Lying feels safer than admitting they don’t know or need help, especially for kids who struggle.
Avoidance if it’s not a favored activity or they just don’t feel like it. We all put off doing things we don’t like, right?! Kids are human too.
Fear of punishment or your reaction. If your reaction is over-sized or very heated (think yelling, talk of disappointment, severe punishments), your kid may fear getting in trouble if they are honest about what happened or if they messed up.
Kids with ADHD and/or anxiety can lie more often because they struggle with impulsivity and follow-through.
Our culture sanctions some lying. I’m thinking of Santa and the Tooth Fairy here (both culturally supported fibs). This can be confusing for literal minded kids.
We all lie pretty regularly - including to our kids. When was the last time you told a white-lie to your child or your partner? Probably happens consistently. I mean, I’ve told my kids there was no dessert in the house when I secretly had a stash of chocolate. Oops!
Want to learn more about the science of kids lying, here’s a great podcast episode.
What can a weary parent do about lying?
Talk about it when everyone’s calm - including you. I think this is the most important thing a parent can do! Nothing productive and supportive will happen when feelings and tempers are elevated. If that means waiting to talk later, that’s OK.
Ask questions and be curious about what motivated the lying. Strategize - calmly - with your kid about how to avoid lying next time.
Talk about your own values around truth - and not in a judgemental way. Let them know what’s important for your family and/or your faith tradition.
Pick your battles and move on. If it’s a low consequence lie (like my laundry example), a simple reminder or two may be all that’s needed. Shaming doesn’t help and may even backfire and cause more lying.
Don’t create opportunities for lying. I know my kid needs a snack and some down time after school, so I probably shouldn’t ask about homework the second they walk in. It’s a set-up for lying.
Be patient. Lying’s gonna happen - and probably happen again. Being kind and supportive when kids mess up builds relationships and trust.
What do you do when your child lies? Have any tips or tricks that others could benefit from? I love hearing other parents’ creative solutions and ideas - so pass them along! Drop me an email
For even more help reframing kids’ behavior, check out the Parent Discovery Guide.
