Other parents can keep their opinions to themselves - the ‘I would never’ trap.
Other parents - they have opinions, don’t they? And they really want to tell us how they would do things differently (aka better).
I’ve never forgotten one parent’s judgment on the playground after school. It was winter and I’d taken my maybe 2nd grade son skiing. His brother wasn’t old enough to ski yet, so it was just the two of us. I’d chosen a local, small ski area that only has one lift and a rope tow. It seemed like the perfect place to learn to ski with a family-friendly price tag.
After getting our gear settled, we went up the rope tow a couple times before gaining confidence to try the chairlift. He’d been skiing once or twice before, but was still very much a beginner and he was nervous.
We got off to a rocky start when my backpack got stuck on the chair and I fell off right at the end of the lift. I wasn’t hurt - whew - but my son was a little rattled. There may have only been only the one chairlift, but the slope under it was steeper than we anticipated.
So our first run was slow and filled with falls and tears of frustration. I convinced him to go up one more time with similar results. At the end of that second run, he did not want to go up again. Period.
I had a decision to make. I could insist that we were there to ski, darn it, and force him to try another run. I could think about the money spent, the time invested, the embarrassment of giving up. But I made a different choice. He was being honest about his feelings. He’d tried and just wasn’t having fun. It was too difficult for his skill level and that wasn’t anyone’s fault.
I quickly surveyed the options and first got us some hot chocolate (it helps all situations don’t you think?) and then bought tickets for the tubing run instead. We had a great time tubing away the next few hours. I felt good that I’d turned the day around and listened to him. He knew I’d taken his needs into consideration and had fun instead of frustration.
You can imagine what this other parent said when I described this situation later in the playground weekend-recap session. Did they approve of my “tolerance”? Uh NO.
“I would never allow my kid to quit.” and “You paid for that lift ticket. He should have kept skiing”. Oh, the dreaded, poisonous “I would never” trap. The judgment, the shaming, the armchair-quarterbacking of a difficult situation - it’s never helpful and usually hurtful.
I wish I’d had some snappy, witty retort at the time but honestly, I just wanted the whole conversation to be over. I knew I was never going to convince this parent that I’d make a solid decision.
Why is the ‘I would never’ trap so harmful?
That kind of inflexible opinion doesn’t take into account the needs, feelings, varied skill levels, or real differences between kids.
Our goal is a solid relationship with our kids, and this does the opposite. The rigidity creates distance, not understanding.
Judging other parents isn’t kind or thoughtful. We need to support one another. Parenting is hard enough without worrying you’re being looked down on.
When have you been given the “I would never” speech about something your child did, or a decision you made? What did you say in response?
If you had a witty come-back, let me know. I’ll save it for the next time the ‘I would never’ trap comes along - as it surely will!
