Self-Advocacy - Teaching Your Child to Speak Up at School
Advocating for our kids at school can be a necessary, and important thing for parents to do.
I’ve spent years advocating for my kids and likely you have too. Sometimes, it’s the only way to make change happen, or get the accommodations our kids need and deserve.
But thinking of the big picture, isn’t our goal for our kids to speak up for themselves and their needs? We want them to grow and learn to become independent, confident advocates for their own needs so they can continue to do that even when they no longer live at home.
Why self-advocacy Matters
To put it simply, self-advocacy is the ability to express your own needs, wants, and feelings effectively. For a child at school, that might mean asking for help understanding an assignment, knowing when to take a break and letting the teacher know, or reporting bullying. Self-advocacy is a learned skill and for some kids it doesn’t come naturally. The good news? They can build those advocacy muscles over time.
Benefits of self-advocacy
1. Emotional expression
Kids who learn to self advocate can identify, express, and manage their emotions in a healthy way rather than falling back on ineffective coping strategies. If they know and act on what they need, it leads to fewer behavioral, academic, and even social problems (at school and at home!).
2. Boundary setting
When kids learn to advocate for themselves, they also learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Strong self-advocacy skills help kids feel confident in saying "no" when something doesn’t feel right, whether it’s peer pressure, bullying, or an unfair situation at school. By understanding their own needs and limits, they can build healthier relationships and feel more in control of their experiences.
3. Problem-solving skills
When kids learn to advocate for themselves, they develop essential problem-solving skills that will serve them well at school and beyond. Speaking up for their needs requires thinking through challenges, considering possible solutions, and deciding the best way to communicate concerns. If they are struggling to understand an assignment for instance, advocating teaches them to identify the issue, brainstorm possible solutions—like asking the teacher for clarification or seeking extra help—and then take action. These critical thinking skills help kids become more independent, resourceful, and confident in tackling challenges no matter the setting.
4. Resilience
Self-advocacy teaches kids that challenges and setbacks are a normal part of learning (and of life!) —and that they have the power to navigate them. It helps them learn to handle frustration, adapt to difficulties, and keep going even when things don’t go as planned. Over time, this builds resilience, helping them develop the perseverance and confidence to face obstacles head-on as they grow into adults.
5. Positive relationships
Self-advocacy helps kids not only communicate clearly with teachers and ask for help without fear, but also navigate friendships with honesty and respect. Instead of feeling frustrated or misunderstood, they learn to express what they need in a way that strengthens connections rather than strains them. These skills improve their school experience but also lay foundations for healthy communication and relationships throughout their lives.
How to Teach Your Kid These Skills
Now you understand how important it is for kids to advocate for themselves. But what if your child isn’t there yet? If they aren’t ready developmentally, emotionally, or they just need more practice, that’s OK. Just because they aren’t ready yet, doesn’t mean they can’t get there.
Strategies for parents to help build self-advocacy skills:
1. Model self-advocacy
Our kids learn by watching us, so one of the best ways to teach self-advocacy is to model it ourselves. They are paying attention when you calmly express your needs in a conversation, ask questions at a meeting, or stand up for yourself in a respectful way. When they see you advocate for yourself, they gain the confidence to do the same!
2. Encourage self-expression
Giving kids the space to share their thoughts, feelings, and needs helps them build confidence in themselves and their own voice. That could mean letting them make choices, asking for their opinion, or simply listening without immediately jumping in with a solution. You’re teaching them that what they say matters. The more opportunities they have to express themselves at school and in everyday life, the more comfortable they’ll become in speaking up when it really counts.
3. Role-play
Kids gain confidence when they have a chance to practice in a safe, low-pressure environment. Role-playing different scenarios—like asking a teacher for help, telling a friend they need space, or standing up to a classmate who isn’t being kind—gives them the words and strategies they need before they face real-life situations. Or, try talking through how a past situation could have been handled differently and how the outcome might then have also been different.
4. Encouragement & practice
Practice makes perfect, or at least practice makes you feel more confident when things come up again. When faced with a situation that could use some self-advocacy, encourage your child to try speaking up themselves. They didn’t understand that math lesson? Encourage them to reach out to the teacher first. Help them draft the email if needed. Ask follow-up questions and don’t forget to praise the effort, not just the end result.
5. Collaborate with teachers
If teachers understand your child’s needs, they too can help build these self-advocacy muscles in the classroom. If your child isn’t yet ready or able to approach the teacher about their needs, try touching base via email or schedule a meeting. Share what their needs are, strategies that have worked (or haven’t worked) in the past, and your goals for your child’s growth in advocating for themselves.
Learning to advocate for themselves at school is one of the most valuable skills a child can develop—one that will serve them far beyond the classroom.
By encouraging self-expression, modeling advocacy, and giving them opportunities to practice, you’re helping them build confidence, resilience, and independence.
Together with teachers, you’re helping them know when and how to ask for help, set boundaries, and take ownership of their learning. With the right support, your child can learn to use their voice, navigate challenges, and thrive in school and in the world.
For more on self-advocacy skill building, check out this blog post. "What do you do when your kid forgets their homework?" takes a different look at building resiliency and self-advocacy by asking for help.
